January 2007 - Mediated

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Mediated - January 2007

Want to stop 'un-Australianism', then look no further than Saudi Arabia!

The answer is finally here. After days wafting hot air from Canberra, a solution to un-Australian activities has finally be found.

No, I'm not suggesting we should all eat lamb. Nor should we ban flags, embrace flags, create flags or burn flags. Infact, for once, this has nothing to do with a flag at all.

Instead, to ensue that 'misdemeanours' of society appreciate the society they choose to live in, we should look no further than Saudi Arabia.

Todays hot news story was entitled, "Drug user must memorise Koran." A Saudi court has ordered a drug user to spend 6 months memorising the Koran, if he fails, he'll serve an additional 1 year in prison.

What an idea!

If someone refuses to obey a fundamental priciple, we can force feed it until they are indoctrinated!

This got me thinking, in the light of the blatant 'un-Australianess' that we are innevitably having, then surely a solitary speach by Howard is insufficient. Rather, much like the Catholic pentance of hail mary's, we should be running non-stop repeats of the values Australians need to embrace.

For example, as punishment for racism, vilification of others or inciting riots, people have 6 months to memorise the complete works of Banjo Patterson...

as punishment for pub brawling, taxi driver assualting or precociousness, people have 6 months to memories Mark Lathams auto-biography, otherwise they'll spend 1 year in jail...

It's reasonable to avoid forcing the bible as a punishment because Australia prides itself on its secularism (as opposed to the overtly sharian Muslim state of Saudi Arabia), so what other icons of Australian culture do you think should be enforced on nogooders. Re-runs of Dad's country for matricide?

We're definitely on to something here....

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January 25th 2007 @ 03:26

Posted By: Stuart - Category: Media Musings

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Exclusive: Leaked notes from Cabinet outline keynote points of Howard's Australia day address

Canberra: In a major outrage, it has been revealed that a disgruntled insider of the Howard cabinet (Peter Costello) has leaked the notes from John Howard's address to be given on Australia day.

The leaked document precusors warnings from Victorian police of fears of a Cronulla-style confrontation after being informed about a beach riot being planned on Australia day.

This news merely added to the bubbling pressure cooker that is the Australian multi-cultural pot after the news that flags and pants are to be banned from the Big Day Out. Furthermore, British citizens are still complaining about the Tooheys Cold advertisements radically abusing the word 'pom.'

As such, to reduce the potential of pre-Australia day drunken racist violence, Mediated.com.au has elected to release the Prime Ministers leaked speach ahead of schedule. Hopefully minority groups, etremists and 'normal Aussies' can be placated by the words of the worlds greatest orator.

"My fellow ~~Americans~~Australians. Your ~~Queen~~Prime Minister is greatly concerned by your plight and would like to dedicate this ~~Christmas~~Australia Day address to the loyal servants of the ~~British~~Australian Empire.

These past years of my ~~reign~~glorious reign have been tainted. The proud gold veneer of mateship, the iron foundations of Industrial Relations reform, and the jubilation of the Olympics have faded into the background. A pale remnant of their former glory. Whilst the ugly scurge of segregation, immigration, un-Australian individuals and Big Brother have dominated your hearts and minds.

How can a country that prides itself on multiculturalism fall so low. We are, after all, the elite of the pacific. We keep out any of those who would potentially upset our way of life (except for the Labor right allowing in Sheik al-Hilali and remember that its an election last year. Labor did it. Labor did it).

I make great personal and factual sacrificies in order to ensure that those who are coming into Australia are truly the best we can have. We are no longer a convict nation! New immigrants must pass an English and civics test that our own politicians fail! Now everyone shall realise that Sydney is not the capital of Australia... Kirribilli is!

Yet this is how I am thanked? Rioting, factionalism, violence, you'd think a Labor party were in control.

But rather than pointing fingers and playing the blame game, let us remember what unites us. Let us focus on our Australian values.

Mateship, the Anzac spirit, following America's lead, blatent disregard of local ties in the pacific, and most importantly... The Soceroos. Remember how a nation united when we thumped Uruguay's divine right to compete into obliteration. Think back to the jubilation of our victory over Croatia!

As such I am pleased to use this address to announce the new appointment to parliament. Please make welcome, the new Treasurer, tactician and deputy leader of the Liberal Party... Guus Hiddink!"

Well at least Howard got one thing right!

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January 22nd 2007 @ 22:57

Posted By: Stuart - Category: Media Musings

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Ban the banning of all bannable items - What a big day out that'd be

Homebush: Politicians have ceased the moment, sharpened the sacrifical sword and prepared to perform a Mel Gibsonesque sacrifice of needlessly bloody proportions.

Their victim?

The Big Day Out.

Concerned after last years behaviour where "the Australian flag was being used as gang colours. It was racism disguised as patriotism," Big Day Out organiser Ken West has controversially chosen to confiscate any flags brought into the concert.

Mr West continues, outlying the difficulties behind his decision, "Fans behaviour last year in the wake of the Cronulla riots and the recent ethnic violence at the Australian Open tennis tournament had forced (his) hand."

Politicians --predictably-- are outraged, glad that someone is taking the spotlight away from state party spontaneous combustion or excessively unpopular federal industrial changes.

John Howard said that the Big Day Out should be cancelled unless organisers reversed their decision to ban the flag. This form of leadership from Howard follows a prestigious history of demanding items without a valid stance to do so:

In 2003 George Bush Jnr, threatened that unless Iraq gave up its weapons of mass destruction, it's sovereign right as a nation would be forfeit

2006 wtiness Howard threaten that unless Australians gave up reasonable working conditions willingly, they'd have to give them up anyway.

Meanwhile in Kirribilli, Jean 25, mother of John 3, and Kevin 5, threatened "that no-one could have icecream until you learn how to share." Proving that the human spirit is strong until you grow up, John promised to do so, ate his icecream then stole Kevin's portion for good measure.

Music lovers had a simple solution for this furor, "For a country so ban-ho on the selection criteria, banning beer from cricket, bags from trains, students from using seats, immigrants from Pacific Islands and politicians from Fiji, it seems apparent that the simplest solution is just to ban bannnig."

Kevin Rudd, reminded us again of the Big Day Out, "Organisers have got it plain wrong when they try to hide our flag as if it's some sybol of shame."

"True hidden shame is mandatory sentencing in Northern Territory. True hidden shame is Share Warne. True hidden shame is Mark Latham."

"Our flag, however, has just been incorrectly used in the past. Anything can be used to brandishe gang colours, even your pants."

Upon learning this the Big Day Out has decided to also ban the wearing of pants.