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Quote of the day: "102.1 Harmison to Ponting, no run, wide and Ponting has to stretch to reach it. "Harmison couldn't hit an elephant from 20 paces?" was Jeff Thomson's assessment earlier. Guess it depends on the size of the elephant." - baggygreen.com

Australia moves to finals of xenophobic idol...

Not bad for a non-Aussie


Sydney: The result of a far lesser competition, Australian Idol, has caused public outcry and catapaulted Australia's standings in the much revered Xenophobic Idol as judged by the United Nations.


The goofy Irishman labelled 'Tic-Tac Teeth' by one of the competitions outspoken judges has deceived Centrebet and cleaned up the Australian singing competition. However many viewers are unhappy at this result,

"Well he's not Australian, they call it Australian Idol for a reason." One patriotic bystander said.

Freemantle Media, the production company behind the show has denied these allegations, "Well we stole the format from American Idol, so we couldn't really just call it Idol now could we? That'd seem a bit presumptious."

However the outcry continues, despite Leith intending to become an Australian citizen in 2007.

"It doesn't matter, first immigrants take our jobs, now they take our Idols. Everything in Australia is going overseas. This is bull man, that's what it is. That's why I love the shire! Now I'm off to Carmens" said one youthfull Cronulla resident.

Despite the mounting support for Australia's metrioc rise through Xenophobic Idol; the Cronulla Riots, Mandatory Sentencing, Villawood Riots, Dick Smith and now Idol, John Howard is doing his best to placate concerns.


"I don't think we'll go much further in the competition, look at our humanitarian efforts! AWB was funding the Iraqi economy to make sure nobody starved. We don't shoot illegal immigrants on site and I regularly eat Chinese in Kirribilli when nobody is looking."

Shady Bob of 'Shady Bob's Mad Leaking Boat Ride to Freedom TM' vehermently denies that Australia has stopped its 'shooting practice' policy of shooting illegal immigrants.

"I carry babies in my boat because if the navy see us they stop shooting when I throw them overboard. They call the media instead."

It's nice to see Naomi Robson doing her part for our country.
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Liberals reveal their 'exit' plan

Canberra: Following the monumental 'flip flop' of the Bush presidency, and Tony Blair discussing withdrawal plans of British troups from Iraq, the Australian Liberal Party has garned the pre-requisite courage to unveil their own 'exit plan.'

"We're going to ignore Howard." Peter Debnam said.
He who doesn't laugh last...


Howard is denying he's been given the cold shoulder, stating that his poor repore with the state liberal leaders reflects, "the fighting spirit of those in the bullpit. They're just trying to get noticed."

Peter Debnam has reacted strongly to these claims, "I cant hear you. Did you hear something Bill, sounds like dead weight to me."

Many have considered the same thing on Human Natures recent attempts to resurrect their career but not their image.

The Liberal party are receiving strong around the world, the republican senators have signed a petition in support but it'll be philibusted until Tuesday, even Simone Warne has thrown in her support citing "how much better life's been when I kicked his lying, cheating, deceitful behind out the door."

Never a truer word has been said.
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Mayor hands out free Viagra

Brazil: In the sleep Brazillian town of Novo Santo Antonia the elderly men are acting as though its daylight savings.

This is not a case of insomniac bears, crazy weather or the war on terror. This is a story of compassion and appreciation.

Mayor Joao de Souza Luz has been giving out free viagra to the men who sign up on the program dubbed as "Happy Penis" or "Pinto Alegre".

"Since we started the free distribution of sexual stimulants, our elderly population changed. They're much happier."

68 men over the age of 60 have signed up for the program. 4,800 men under the age of 60 have joined the waiting list.

The program has had many side effects, "My husband no longer rolls out of bed" one pleased wife said "I also no longer need to fix the clothes line", however there have also been ill side effects.

"Some of the old men aren't seeking out their wives. They've got romances on the side." Mr Souza Luz admitted.
No Longer 'Like a Bird'


Scarlett Johanson has joined the call, after her altercation with the Bush presidency about its 'frigid' sex policy. "We're supposed to be liberated in America, but if our President had his way, we wouldn't be educated about sex at all. I think he's just tetchy about his name."

Johansson has insisted she may be open-minded about sex but is not promiscuous, despite getting a HIV test every month.

No, that honour goes to the 'maneater' Nelly Furtado
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Uni Students Caught Out Cheating - So what else is new?

Sydney: Figures have been released today which suggest that universities are facing an explosion of plagiarism and cheating in exams.

It is estimated almost 3500 students have been caught cheating across Sydney's 8 major campuses since 2001


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APEC, North Korea and flurescent pyjamas.

Vietnam: Today Asian-Pacific economic leaders sent a strong warning to Kim Jong Il's North Korea deterring future nuclear testing.

"Nuclear weapons are bad. McKay? We don't need this kind of tension in our region, especially with Fiji and Tonga in civil strife, non-existant Kyoto protocol agreements, Bush losing control of both houses, my industrial relations laws, Mutto getting voted out of Idol, Bert Newtown still being on TV and Blair admitting that Iraq is disastrous, give the media some good news." Howard pleaded


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Buy a gun day tomorrow! Everyone join the paranoia!

Washington DC: A Shooters Rights group, The Coalition of Law Abiding Sporting Shooters Less Everyone Shoots Sadam (CLASSLESS) has urged governments to consider tomorrow, International Buy a Gun Day.

President of Classless, Peter Whelan, believes that owning a gun teaches responcibility and teaches valuable life skills, most notably how to snuff life out


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Global Warming takes another toll - Insomniac Bears!

[Editorial - I love it when the news is so bizarre I don't need to do anything to it, so enjoy]

Moscow: Insomniac bears are running havoc in the forests of southwestern Siberia, scaring locals and damaging property


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NSW power broking is gonna Costa!

Sydney: Phillip Higginson, former long term chairman of the stateowned electricity company Transgrid, has accused NSW Treasurer Michael Costa of sacking him because he didn't appoint the friend of a "union mate."

He claims Mr Costa, "held a gun to my head, and said, I'll sack you if you don't put Bernie's mate on the board." Bernie being Bernie Riordan, NSW Labor president


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Do you think he's overcompensating for something?

Rome: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes appear set to tie the knot on November the 18th.

The Hollywood couple have spared no expense in the preparations of the wedding, hiring a 15th Century castle, designing outfits by Armani and having blind tennor Andrea Bocelli performing at the event


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More Snakes on the Nullabor Plain! Man waves his snake at police.

Northern Terrirtory: Move over Borat, if you wish to have cultural learnings in Australia you'll need to do alot more than wear cricket pads and hug a wallaby.

Borat Happy Time
Constable Howe and another constable were attacked by a man and his snake in the red hot north on the weekend


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PM to relax new IR laws - Fears of unfair dismissal

Canberra: Workplace relations minister Kevin Andrews has announced a new package of ammendments to the government's controversial IR legislation, just one day before a High Court decision determining the legality of the industrial relations changes.

The two headline changes to the IR legislation involve the reinstituted ability to cash out sick leave or carers' leave and employers newfound power to cashout sick workers


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Lest we have forgotten...

I used to be a typical Aussie student, interested in girls, not interested in supperannuation. Interested in soccer, definitely not interested in history.

I remember my history teaching banging his head against a brick wall as he tried to impart valuable information of the ages on this hormone infested blob, seldom sucessfully


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George Bush's Last week - as performed by a Bear and a Cougar



I realise it's slightly old news. But I found this video and thought it summed up Nov7 rather well indeed. If only I can find a similar video with a donkey and an elephant


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The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on fire - Audit of Australian Classrooms!

Victoria: An audit of 330 state schools has revealed that three out of four schools require urgent maintanence and were seriously understaffed.

One school was highlighted due to its bowing roof and flooded school hall. "Of course our school sucks," one of its students said, "we had a massive party there the weekend before the inspectors came


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